I love Your Presence

Tonight as I arrived home, this song was playing on my ipod. And as I sat in my car outside my house listening to this worship song... "I love, I love, I love Your Presence" my heart was so full of love and thankfulness for the sweetness of God's Presence.

It is a season of transition. For over three years, I have been incredibly blessed by being part of a very special small group. A group of dear friends, five of us, that God brought together as a small group. On Friday nights we would meet and share dinner together. Then we would transition into my friend's living room and there we would share our hearts. We opened up and were vulnerable with one another. We shared what God was doing in our hearts and lives. There we would dive into God's word together and share sweet times of prayer. We have walked each other through some extremely difficult seasons. We have lived out what it means to speak truth in love, perverse in love and truly spur one another on in Christ. These dear friends have seen me at my absolute lowest point and they have loved me. Oh, how we have seen God at work. Oh, the stories we have of changed lives, changed hearts and incredible answers to prayers. How He has used each of us to allow us to know more of Him. There is so much to celebrate of what GOD has done through this special group.

For God is the One who brought us together. And now that season has come to an end. And I sat in my car just soaking in the lyrics of this song... “I love, I love, I love Your Presence”.

Oh Lord, how I love Your Presence.

I realized how drastically different my response is with this season coming to an end. In the past, when seasons have changed or come to an end with relationships, I have been left feeling hurt and mourning the loss of the intimacy I once experienced. For I had opened my heart up and I found myself vulnerable. I found myself clinging to relationships and I have found out through intense pain of what it's like for God to remove this idol from my heart and life. For I did not experience the depth and beauty of meaningful friendships for much of my life. I left high school with many deep wounds and hurts. Feeling the void of community, love and acceptance. When I finally found what my heart longed for, love and acceptance, I wanted to cling to this. Yet truly, no one can fulfill us. No one can satisfy our hearts. Our desire for love and intimacy. Our desire to be known and accepted. Not the best of friend, not the perfect husband, no earthly relationship. No one except for the Lord our Maker. Our Abba Father. Our Beloved.

It has been a long, difficult but rewarding journey of truly discovering the beauty of His Presence. For in His Presence there has been healing for my heart. In His Presence there has been such joy, such freedom, and oh such satisfaction. In His Presence, there has been a freedom to love and enjoy others free of any expectation. For my soul has found it's rest in the Lord.

As these words washed over my heart “I love, I love, I love Your Presence” my heart was bursting with such sweet gratitude. For my Abba Father has walked with me through each season of my life. Whether I have acknowledged Him or not, He has been there. He has been there, through every up and down. Through each struggle and victory. Through the mundane and the everyday. He has seen and understood each challenge I have faced and He has been the One who has brought me through the impossible. He alone understands my heart and my soul. And He alone satisfies me.

One of my love languages is quality time and oh how I love the memories I have with my Beloved King. There are so many memories over the years. So many stories I could share. Of sweet times in His Presence. Such sweet times. Memories of experiencing and feeling His love. Of His strength when I have been weak. Of His courage when I have been scared. Of His peace when I have chosen to trust. Of His provision when I have waited and prayed.

And oh how I love His word and how He speaks to me. Of how I can flip through my Bible and see verses underlined and dates written in the margins. How He has used different scripture in such powerful ways at different points in my life. To comfort, to convict, to strength, to give hope, to transform, to bring life, to give direction, to show me His heart for me.

“I love, I love, I love Your Presence”

Lord God, oh how I love Your Presence. Thank you dear Lord for the sweetness and intimacy of Your Presence. Thank you Lord that there is always more. More of You. More of Your love. Oh Lord, I have only scratched the surface of the beauty of Your Presence and the depth of Your love. Thank you Lord for how You have brought such satisfaction to my soul. Thank you that during this season of change, I am secure in Your love. Lord God, strip away distractions from my life. Lord God, burn within me such a strong unquenchable thirst and desire for Your Presence. I confess how easy it is for me to look elsewhere for satisfaction. Oh Lord, take me deeper into Your love and into the beauty of Your Presence. More of You I pray! In the beautiful and precious name of Jesus, Amen

"Because Your love is better than life,
    my lips will glorify You.
 I will praise You as long as I live,
    and in Your name I will lift up my hands.
I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods;
    with singing lips my mouth will praise You."

Psalm 63:3-5

I love Your Presence by Jenn Johnson

"In the glory of Your Presence

I find rest for my soul

In the depths of Your love

I find peace that makes me whole

I love, I love, I love Your Presence

I love, I love, I love Your Presence

I love, I love, I love You Jesus

I love, I love, I love Your Presence"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkWa6dKKsB8

I'm grateful

This is an unique school year. After teaching first grade for seven years, this year I am teaching second grade. Yes, I finally moved up.

I am absolutely loving this change. I love second grade. I love the newness of a new grade, a new classroom, a new class. It was a must needed change. However along with this change has come some very long hours at work.

Tonight I came home exhausted after working 12 hours. And this was not my first long evening at work. I know that many people work long hours but that is not the norm for me. My Friday night was spent in my classroom and I was simply exhausted as I drove home. I have a headache, I am tired, and my eyes hurt. Yet, more than that I am grateful.

In spite of the long day, I am full of gratitude.

I am grateful for my classroom. I love the bright colors. I love how welcoming it feels. I love how organized it is and how everything fits so perfectly. I love how my kids are still at the age where a “clean desk fairy” is something magical. Every Friday afternoon they are excited to leave their desks clean in expectation that the desk fairy will visit and leave them a piece of candy. I love it.

I am grateful for the small things that God knows so speak to my heart. For the fact that my classroom this year is on the other side of the hallway. I am so grateful that when I work late I see the sun setting and enjoy it's beauty from my classroom window. I am grateful for the fact that you tube is no longer blocked at school and I can listen to worship music in the quietness of the evening. I am grateful for music that draws my heart to Christ and my eyes back on Him.

I am grateful for a great team to work with. That I am not struggling alone to figure out what I am teaching each week. I am grateful for the teammate who brought in cupcakes this morning just because it was Friday. I am grateful for the teammate who loves pinterest and shares all the great teaching ideas she finds from there. I am grateful for my two teammates that I see each morning as I stand at my door to greet my little second graders.

Most of all, I am grateful for my students. I am grateful that each one has been selected by God to be in my classroom. I am grateful for the opportunity to teach them and love them. I am grateful I am getting to know each of their personalities and how uniquely they are made. I am grateful for my student who cried every day for the first two months of first grade and barely spoke all year. I am grateful that he now comes up and talks to me all the time throughout the day. I love to see how he now has friends in our class and I love to see his shy smile.

I am grateful for my student who drove me crazy the first week of school because she could not sit still or complete any of her work. I am grateful for the perspective of her first grade teacher and to now see her energy, her love, and her desire to please. She is such the little athlete. I love watching her run at recess as she has this amazing strong stride. I love making her feel special because she is the fastest second grade runner.

I love the fact that I have four students whose siblings were in my class in first grade. I loved showing them their sibling's first grade pictures in my old yearbooks. I am grateful for the little girl who her first grade teacher called a little love bug.

I am grateful for the fifth grade girl who came back to visit me with her mother before school began. I had to look her up in the yearbook to remember her. Then I realized why I couldn't remember her. She came in half-way through that first grade year. She was very quiet and the significant behavior challenges that I had that year overshadowed her. She moved away after first grade but just moved back for fifth grade. I am grateful that this girl that I did not even remember, remembered me. That I somehow made a difference in her life that year despite the craziness of that year. I am grateful that I get to see her this year, give her a hug and made her feel special.

I am grateful for the lessons God is teaching me. I am grateful for Tuesday when I felt completely stressed and overwhelmed by all the lesson plans, paperwork, grading, and so much more. I am grateful for how at the end of the day God brought my perspective back onto Him. I am grateful for IJM prayer group that night and how the song my friend played was about how Christ is all I need. I am grateful for kneeling on the floor, face down, desperate for God. I am grateful for how much I have needed God each day this week at work and throughout my day.

I am grateful for yesterday when I was tired and not feeling well. For when my well planned lessons that day felt mediocre. For when I found myself feeling frustrated and impatient with my kids at the end of the day. I am grateful that when I drove home, I could rest in the assurance that God loved me and delighted in me simply because I am His daughter. I am grateful that very morning I had been in awe of reading about Christ's baptism. How God the Father looked down upon Christ and said this is my dearly loved Son, who brings me great joy. Oh the glorious truth that I am in Christ. That God looks upon me and says this is my dearly loved daughter, who brings me great joy. He is well pleased with me. And that does not change whether I had the absolute best or worst day of teaching. I also am also grateful for my students who love me in my best and worst moments.

I am grateful for the joy and perspective God has graciously given me. How despite the stress that is there, despite the long hours, despite the tiredness that when I look upon God He is all I need. I am grateful to be able to take one day at a time and for the opportunity He has given me at my school. I long to bring Him glory. I long to know more of His love and be filled by Him so I can pour more out to those around me. I am grateful for His promises in John 15.

.

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing...If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.”

Thank you Abba Father for Your abundant love and goodness. Thank you for how You can change our perspective, for how You are all we need, for the joy and strength that comes only from You. May our hearts be filled with gratitude. Thank you for your love and acceptance just as we are. For the days when we are far from gratitude. Thank you for your love that changes our hearts and our lives. I am so grateful for You, Abba Father, and that I am Your beloved daughter. 

Let faith arise

Let faith arise. These song lyrics have so much meaning to me. 

It began with a day of old familiar struggles. Nothing felt different. I had in a sense fallen in the same way once again. Yet there was a difference. This time I choose to respond differently. I did not choose to dwell in condemnation. There was no need for God had covered me with His grace and forgiveness. I did not choose to analyze or dwell on my actions. There was no need as that would not change anything.

No, this time my response was different. God challenged me to go deeper. For I realized that under all of this was the subtle but very strong feeling that things would never change. This struggle would always be a part of my life. It had been a habit/ sin pattern for as long as I could remember and I didn't seem to be making much progress forward. Change was impossible.

Yet, instead of dwelling on my actions and struggles from that day, I went out for a bike ride. It was a beautiful summer evening. The sky was magnificent. The air felt a little less humid. And a certain song that I had heard earlier that day came into my heart and mind. "Let faith arise... open my eyes... let faith arise"

I realized that I had a choice to make. I could believe those strong feelings that I would never have victory in this area. That change is impossible. Or I could choose to have FAITH in who my GOD is. Let faith arise. There is nothing impossible for my God. Let faith arise. The God who can move mountains can change my heart and my life. It does not matter how many times I have stumbled or fallen, I will choose to have faith in my God. Let faith arise.

When I hear this song I will forever remember this certain hill that I was flying down as the sun was starting to set and this song was bursting in my heart. Let FAITH arise.

Tonight, I met with my good friend and mentor. We have been meeting for the past year. A God ordained and blessed relationship that simply came about. It never officially started as a mentorship and she would be quick to tell you that she is blessed by our time together. Yet during this past year, I have sat on her couch and I have shared my struggles. I have shared my heart. I have laughed, I have cried, I have been angry, I have been hopeful, I have simply shown up. Just as I am.

And I have been loved. I have been listened to. I have been affirmed. I have been encouraged. I have had someone who has been angry on my behalf and joyful on my behalf. I have been blessed. 

And after that day which was filled with struggle and faith, I sat on her couch and once again simply shared my heart. Through our conversation, God reminded me and showed me how He has been using this struggle in my life. For He has been showing me His grace. The gospel and His grace. Because the gospel is all about His grace. My friend made a comment that stuck with me "I don't know why God has you in the midst of this struggle as I know He could remove it completely from your life if He choose." 

Later I asked myself, do I truly believe that God has the power to change my heart and my life? It can be much easier for me to have great faith on behalf of others but I can find it difficult when it comes to myself as I know my familiar struggles.

Let faith arise. 

God's timing is perfect. A few days later He spoke to my heart in such a powerful way through a bible study lesson. I was broken and on my knees face down before God. Truly broken and ready for change. Crying out to Him to change the desires of my heart. To desire Him more than this struggle. To have faith in Him that He will give me freedom and victory. It was such a powerful time in the Presence of my God. Another dear friend was with me and prayed over me. All I can say is that God did a profound work in my heart that night.

Let faith arise.

Tonight, three weeks later, I sat on the same couch at my friend's house. This time I am sharing how God has completely changed the desires of my heart. Something I have struggled with for so long and is now completely gone. Three weeks ago the desire was so vivid and the struggle so strong. Strangely it's no longer there. In the past three weeks I have gone through a lot and all the same triggers have been there. Yet, God has absolutely removed that desire from my heart and has completely freed me from this struggle. It is gone. Praise His holy name.

Let faith arise.

I did not fully realize the impact of what I was sharing until I saw my friend's reaction. And saw her eyes of wonder. For she saw this struggle in my life. She saw firsthand the brokenness, the tears, and the pain. She walked with me through this journey. And tonight her reaction was one of awe and simply praise to our God. What a God we serve. How deeply He loves us. And truly nothing we struggle or face is impossible for Him.

Let FAITH arise.




"I Lift My Hands" by Chris Tomlin

Be still, there is a healer
His love is deeper than the sea
His mercy, it is unfailing
His arms are a fortress for the weak

Let faith arise
Let faith arise

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
As I pour out my heart, these things I remember
You are faithful, God, forever

Be still, there is a river
That flows from Calvary's tree
A fountain for the thirsty
Pure grace that washes over me

So let faith arise
Let faith arise
Open my eyes
Open my eyes

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
As I pour out my heart, these things I remember
You are faithful, God
You are faithful, God, forever

You don't know my story... freedom, deliverance, and such love

I love gospel music. I think it's because so much gospel music is about freedom and deliverance and I can relate to these theme. Below is my current favorite gospel. I absolutely love this song. I love the lyrics. I love the emotion behind it. I love how it's my testimony. I feel like words do not fully describe all that I feel when I listen to this song....

"You don't know my story... you don't know the strongholds that severed me... you don't know the day you set me free...in all God has been faithful to me...deliverance is my testimony...my story proves God can use me...you don't know my story the anguish and guilt that consumed me...grateful I can tell you for no more shall the shackles condemn me...you don't know my story for if you did you would lift up your hands...through my testimony and the blood of the Lamb delivered I am, now I have a testimony... grace and mercy, love and peace abound...life and favor upon me, he brought me out, God of mercy, he who loves me... oh how wondrous is my story"

When I listen to this song I am filled with such emotion as God reminds me of all that HE has done is my heart and life. How He has brought deliverance from very real struggles and strongholds. Deliverance and freedom from an eating disorder, deliverance and freedom from such deep insecurity, deliverance and freedom from emotional dependency. God has brought such healing into my life as He has shown me HIS love and acceptance. His truth has transformed my heart and life. I belong to Him. He has done more in my heart and life than I ever could have even begun to imagine. Thank you Jesus.

This is one reason I love sharing my stories of running and cycling. How I signed up for a 10 mile race which seemed impossible as I had never ran more than a few miles. 10 months later I ran my first marathon. How I had never learned to ride a bike. I took a class one day and months later I'm rode my first metric century. This was just a couple years ago. Pretty dramatic stories in both running and cycling.

I love these stories because it is such a picture of the dramatic transformation He has done in my heart and life. How He brought me out of such deep insecurity and self-hatred to the confidence I now have of my identity in Christ. Loved, secure, worthy, beautiful, significant. My God loves me, delights in me, and is proud of me. There is no greater significance than that. How He brought me out of the deep bonds of an eating disorder and brought healing, deliverance, and restoration in my heart and life. How He brought me out of deep condemnation and guilt and showed me His grace, mercy, and more grace. How He brought me out of the deep bonds of emotional dependency and brought healing into my heart. And showed me such deep satisfaction in Him alone. The outward struggles that He has delivered me from are all a result of the healing He has brought into my heart through His truth and love. His truth brings true freedom. His perfect love heals and restores.

Is my life perfect or free from struggles? Far from it. Yet God continues to show me grace and more grace in the journey. And He is teaching me to show myself grace when struggles still arise. 

Yet, why do I share all of this? Because when I listen to this song such emotion wells up inside of me. I can not help but give PRAISE, honor, and glory to GOD. My story is all about HIM. How HE is able to heal, restore, and redeem for HIS honor and glory. How He desires to bring greater freedom into each of our lives so we may know more of Him. More of His love and His presence. So we will have a testimony to share for His glory. 

Below are the full lyrics and a link to the song. And a picture that I love as it captures all of this...

This picture was taken the evening before my 30th birthday in Prince Edward Island, Canada. Overwhelmed and grateful for all He had done in my heart and life during the past 10 years. freedom, deliverance, and such love.

Life and Favor (You don't know my story) (LINK to song)

John P. Kee - Life And Favor (You Don'T Know My Story)

Some people have seen where God has brought you from.
They don't really understand it.
They don't know your story.

Chorus
You don’t know my story
You don’t know the things that I’ve come through
You cannot imagine
The pain, the trials I’ve had to endure
You don’t know my story
You don’t know the day you set me free
You cannot imagine
The strongholds and the walls that severed me
In all God has been faithful to me
He promised he would never leave me
My story proves that God can use me
Deliverance is my testimony
You don’t know…my story
It would blow your mind
You don’t know…my story

Say it LaJune

Verse
You don’t know my story
The anguish and the guilt that consumed me
Grateful I can tell it
For no more shall the shackles condemn me
You don’t know my story
For if you did you would lift up your hands
So just let me tell you and faith you may as well break out and dance

In all God has been faithful to me
He promised he would never leave me
My story proves that God can use me
And deliverance is my testimony
You don’t know…my story
It would blow your mind
You don’t know…my story

Bridge
Through my testimony and the blood of the Lamb
Delivered I am, now I have a testimony…Favor’s upon me
Grace and mercy, love and peace abound
Oh in you I’ve found a God that will not ever leave me
He won’t forsake me
You don’t know…my story

Vamp
I’m delivered, here’s my story
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
You don’t know it, let me tell it
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
God of mercy, he who loves me
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Oh, how wondrous is my story
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Can’t imagine, what I’ve gone through
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Can’t imagine, what I’ve gone through
Can’t imagine

(Eb)
I’m delivered, here’s my story
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
You don’t know it, let me tell it
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
God of mercy, he who loves me
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Oh how wondrous is my story
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Can’t imagine, what I’ve gone through
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out

I’m delivered, here’s my story
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Can’t imagine, what I’ve gone through
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
God of mercy, he who loves me
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Oh how wondrous is my story
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out

Can’t imagine, what I’ve gone through
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out

Life and favor upon me (repeat)

Skyline Drive

All summer I have been wanting to do a bike ride out on Skyline Drive. I've heard all about this ride and wanted to experience the climbs and the stunning views for myself. Yet the summer flew by and it wasn't until this weekend that I finally found myself out in Shenandoah National Park.

Can I just say how grateful I am for who God is. That He has designed me with a love of being active, to enjoy the beauty of His creation, and a heart that hears from Him. I love how He will often speak to me while I'm out on a bike ride or run. Grateful for an Abba Father who designed us uniquely and Who cares so deeply about us. He desires for us to hear from Him. He draws us into His presence. How incredible is that?

Back to the bike ride. It was 65 miles long with a lot of very long gradual climbs. Unique from any other bike ride I have done. We parked at the visitors center and rode 4 miles downhill to the entrance and then climbed the four miles back up to our car. From there we grabbed an extra water bottle and continued on with our ride.

Those first 8 miles were my favorite. The thrill of descending down the hill, the first stunning views of the mountains and valley and the climb back up. Thanks to my friend's advice, I found a comfortable easy gear and just rode steadily up the 4 mile climb. I felt great but the reason I truly loved this stretch was for how God spoke to my heart.

This first part felt backwards. We started with the descent and then did the climb. Normally I fully love a good downhill as I have worked hard to climb up that hill. Yet, we had simply gotten out of the car and rode our bikes down the hill. As I slowly but steadily climbed back up those four miles God spoke to me of what a picture this is of life. There are struggles that I face that are just challenging. I often wish God would just take the struggle away. Just let me cruise down the four mile hill. Yet, truly if we had stopped the ride there it would have been such a disappointment. Yes, I would have enjoyed a 4 mile descent but I didn't work for it. I didn't put any effort into it. How much more do I enjoy the descent after I have done the climbing. And as I slowly but steadily climbed back up those four miles I realized how much of life is like this... slow and steady. As I was climbing, it wasn't until I caught a glimpse of the amazing view of the valley that I could fully appreciate how far I had come. Often, in life I don't see the progress that is being made. I feel like I am still facing the same struggles yet there are times when God allows me to get a glimpse of how far He has brought me.

An example of this was this morning. I woke up with the song "I am loved by God" in my head. As I spent time in the quietness of God's presence I realized the significance of this. This past week was exhausting, challenging, and just plain difficult at times. Yet I realized that God did not simply bring me through this week. He allowed me to walk through each day and each situation in fullness of my identity as His beloved child. In the past, many of these challenges would have caused me to forget my identity as one loved by God. And when I forget how deeply I am loved by God, my response and reactions are vastly different. So while the week had challenges and I didn't feel like I was making any progress, I was in fact slowly and steadily climbing up that hill. And today I got that glimpse of how far He is truly brought me.

There is work involved. There are times when God has to remind me to have faith in who my God is. That He has the power to change my heart and that there is truly nothing impossible for Him. No struggle or challenge that I face compares to the greatness and might of His power. There are other times though when I am reminded of my part. Yes, God's truth is what transforms my life. That is HIS power at work. Yet, scripture tells me to mediate on His word day and night. To write it upon my heart. To take every thought captive. To choose to give thanks. And there are days when this feels like work. It requires a whole lot of effort to take every thought captive. To choose to mediate on God's truth instead of my own feelings. Yet it is that slow and steady process- choosing truth, believing in God and allowing Him to work in our hearts and lives- that by His power He begins to change us. There is such a greater testimony when we can see how far God has brought us. That we know it's only because of Him that we are who we are today. He then receives all glory and praise.

My second lesson from yesterday's ride was about perspective and identity. For the first 20 miles I fully enjoyed the ride. I loved the climbs and was amazed by the stunning views. Until mile 20 something... then I was reminded of how exhausted I was... and the rest of the ride was just plain challenging. The climbs were so long that I often wondered if they were ever going to end. At one point I lost the two guys I was riding with so I found myself alone, tired, and discouraged. Questioning myself on why this ride had been a good idea. Thankfully after I found them, I was able to persevere and make it through the rest of the ride. By the end of the ride, I found myself grateful that I had done it. However, my view of myself from that ride was that I was just plain exhausted. It was interesting reading one of my friend's comments about our ride later on in an email.

 To Say Rebekah is a strong rider is an understatement.  I spent way more time trying to keep up with her today than not.  She is a climbing machine!  Very impressive.

I almost wanted to laugh when I read that comment. Are you kidding me... I was not strong, I was exhausted. I was ready to give up halfway through the ride. I struggled up those climbs and the only thing that kept me going was the fact that I was riding with others.  It's actually funny how drastically different his assessment of my riding was compared to my own.

Yet, I often experience this with God. My Abba Father looks upon me and declares that I am worthy, I am victorious, I am free, I am beautiful, I am loved, I belong to Him, I am an over comer. I belong to Him. However, often how I view and feel about myself is so far from these truths. I feel discouraged, defeated, far from beautiful, and looking for satisfaction in all the wrong places.

I have a choice to make. And I going to believe how I feel or what is true? One reason that I could even be considered a strong rider yesterday was the fact that I did not give up. I simply kept pushing on up those long climbs. Often, I have to simply press on and choose to believe God's truth about myself. I may not feel it but the more and more I press on and tell myself His truth and allow Him to speak it to my heart, it slowly becomes a reality in my heart and life. 

"For Your lovingkindness is before my eyes, and I have walked in Your truth" Psalm 26:3