recent ponderings

Lately I have been pondering... maybe... just maybe... I am harder on myself than I need to be... maybe... just maybe... I am harder on myself than others ever are. While this is not exactly a new realization, I have reminded of this fact in several different way recently.

Yesterday, I got my hair trimmed. When my roommate commented that she liked my haircut, my response was on how badly my hair has looked the last couple of weeks. Her gracious response was that my hair has looked great. Hmmm... maybe I'm just a tad more critical of myself than others ever are.

Last week, my Assistant Principal did an unexpected walk-through (observation) in my classroom. She talked with my students while they were at their math centers and then observed part of my guided math small group. After she left, I wasn't sure what to think. Were my kids on task like they were suppose to be? Were they able to explain what they were doing? How was the closure of my math lesson? My initial response of my teaching and classroom was to pick out any negative points. What wasn't perfect? However, the feedback that I received later was all very positive. Hmm... maybe... I am harder on myself than I need to be.

The other day, one of my little girls said “Ms. Wagner you're so tall and skinny!” I was not feeling too skinny at the moment.. Let's just say all the stress at work makes me much more prone to chocolate. Yet, I instead smiled and gave her a hug for her honest and random comment. Hmm... maybe I don't always have an accurate view of myself... in many different ways....

Then I started to think about my relationship with God. Maybe... just maybe... I am harder on myself than I ever need to be. Do I start to think about God in this same way? That He is keeping track of all my sins, mistakes, and failures. Oh look, once again I have made the same mistake.

Yet God reminded me of these wonderful promises...

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. I John 1:9

“as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” Psalm 103:12

God, my Abba Father, does not look upon me with condemnation. No, instead He is a loving Father. As soon as I say I'm sorry, my sin is not only forgiven but also instantly forgotten. He keeps no record. My sins are as far as the east is from the west.

While the truth is that I am broken, I am needy, and I am very far from perfect... the beauty of the gospel is all my sin has been washed away by the blood of Jesus. He has paid for my every sin and mistake. The truth is while I am still broken, needy, and far from perfect; God now sees me as His beloved daughter who is whole, complete, and perfect. He freely gives me His unconditional love and acceptance. Just as I am. Love and acceptance. I do not have to earn in any way. Maybe... just maybe... I will start to view myself through His eyes...

“For Your loving-kindness is before my eyes, and I have walked in Your truth.” Psalm 26:3