Grace and Freedom

“Amazing grace, my chains are gone, I've been set free”

The song “Amazing Grace” is such a classic and powerful hymn. This newer version to this classic hymn starts with the song “Amazing Grace” and then goes on to sing of “my chains are gone, I've been set free.”

The other morning when I was spending some quiet time with God, He brought this song to mind. As I was thinking more about this song, God began to show me the the important connection between grace and freedom.

Grace and Freedom.

This past year I had some struggles resurface in my life that I had not dealt with in years. It was hard and humbling to be in a place of brokenness. Instead of being the one strong for others, I needed the prayers and support of the community God placed in my life. God knew my heart was for Him, yet He also knew and saw the frustration I experienced as I worked through these struggles and strongholds.

Yet, as I look back upon this year I believe there were several purposes for why God allowed these struggles to resurface in my life. One was to bring deeper refinement in my heart and my life. Beautiful truths that God has spoken over me of my identity in Him were taken to a much deeper level in my heart and in my life. I am His beloved. I am lavished in grace. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am of great worth. I am His masterpiece. I am free. I walk in the authority and confidence of Christ Jesus. Truths that God had spoken into my heart and life in the past but truths that needed to go to a deeper level in my heart so I could start to fully embrace them and walk in them.

Another purpose was to allow me to experience more of His grace. For when my life is going well and when I feel like I am living a good Christian life for God, I don't realize my need for grace. Of course this is not an accurate way of thinking as each and every day I am in need of God's grace. Yet, I confess that I start to operate out of thinking I have God's approval because of how I am living. To be in a place of struggle once again, allowed me to experience more and more of His grace. While these were some old familiar struggles from my past, I realized however there was a profound difference now in my life. The difference was when I struggled and felt like I had fallen once again, my response was radically different from the past. In the past, I dwelt in guilt and condemnation and withdrew from God. Now, praise God, I was able to experience grace. Grace that drew me back to Jesus. Grace that allowed me embrace the truth that my actions did not dictate my identity. My identity was a Beloved Child of God. While my actions at that moment did not reflect my identity- I was able to ask God for forgiveness and simply move on and walk once again in my identity in Him. His beloved daughter who was forgiven and lavished in love and grace. God allowed me to experience and appreciate the beauty of grace. That in my best moments and in my worst moments, God loves and delights in me simply because I am His beloved daughter. When I feel like I have everything together or when I am struggling and see my brokenness, His love for me does not change. I am completely accepted by God and covered with His grace simply because I belong to Him. Nothing can or ever will change this love and acceptance.

Grace and Freedom.

The last reason I believe God allowed some of these old struggles to resurface in my life was to bring greater freedom. In the midst of it all I could not see this. Yet now as I look back, I am grateful and amazed at how God has brought greater freedom in very real and practical ways in my life. I can see this through behaviors that have been changed but most importantly through truths that were written on my heart. God brought refinement into my life and a result of that was more freedom. I love how God is not satisfied with leaving us where we are. He wants us to experience more. More of Him, more of His love and grace, more of His freedom, more of His holy Presence.

Grace and Freedom.

God is beginning to show me how these two truths are so powerfully connected in my life. My tendency in the past and even now is to be critical of myself. I can see this in small ways as I go throughout my day. Yet, God has been showing me recently the impact of this. If I am being critical of myself I then make choices that lead to bondage. It's a little bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yet, if I instead choose to have the mindset and attitude of grace, how drastically different my actions will be. When I first experience God's grace, I then give this grace to myself. When I give myself grace, I then make choices that lead to freedom.

Grace and Freedom. More grace leads to greater freedom.

And that is the beauty of this Christmas season. Christ came into this earth so that each of us could know Him. Christ who was full of grace and truth. Christ who came to bring freedom to this broken world. Christ who showed grace, spoke truth, and brought freedom into hurting lives.

I believe that Christ longs for each of us to experience more and more of His grace and His freedom. As we celebrate, experience, and embrace more of His amazing grace may we then walk in greater freedom as His beloved children.

Merry Christmas!

Rose Colored Glasses

The beginning of a relationship is full of excitement and emotions. You put your best forward and the other person can seem like the most wonderful person to you. Yet there is a point in a relationship that the “rose colored” glasses come off. You both see one another in a more accurate light. As you grow in a relationship you see more of each others strengths but also each others weaknesses. The best of a relationships are still make up of two broken and sinful people. Praise God that He redeems us and transforms us and that His love is displayed through relationship. Yet, in real authentic relationships our true self comes forth.

A friend of mine reminded me a few weeks ago that there will be a point in my relationship with Stephen when the rose colored glasses come off. That is just a natural progression of a relationship.

Yet as I thought about this idea of the “rose colored” glasses I started thinking about Christmas. You might ask me, how would rose colored glasses make me think of Christmas?

When the rose colored glasses come off in a relationship, the other person sees a more accurate picture of you. You see a more accurate picture of them. Based on this more realistic picture of who they are, you may make a decision if you want to continue in the relationship. You may realize the work that may be involved in the relationship. The other person is going to see the “real” you.

This makes me realize and appreciate the beauty of Christmas. God looked down upon us and He saw each one of us for exactly who we are. In the light of His perfection and holiness, He saw us in complete sin and brokenness. How great was His love for us; yet we were separate from Him because of His holiness. We could not enter into a relationship with Him- His holiness and our sinfulness opposed one anther. We were not simply separated from God for this moment but would be separated from Him for all eternity. Our minds can not comprehend eternity. Never ending separation from God. Yet God, so rich in love, decided to send His only Son Jesus to earth as a baby. Not the solution you would expect to save a world from sin. An innocent little baby. Yet, Jesus who was fully God and fully man would one day die on the cross. Jesus became sin for us. He was our perfect sacrifice. He took away our every sin and made a way so that we could enter into a relationship with a holy and perfect God.

For when I accept Christ Jesus as my Lord and Savior, God now looks upon me and He no longer sees me. He does not see a broken and sinful person. Because I accepted Christ as my Savior, God now looks upon me and He sees Christ. God now sees me through the lense of Christ. God sees me as perfect, holy, blameless, righteous, forgiven. Because of Christ Jesus, I can now approach the holy throne of God with complete confidence. Because of Christ Jesus, I can now call the holy and righteous Almighty God, my Abba Father. Because of Christ Jesus, I have a personal relationship with God and I know without a doubt that I will be spending all eternity in heaven with my Beloved Lord.

Rose Colored Glasses. When it comes to my relationship with God I have something so much better than rose colored glasses. I have Jesus Christ. I do not need to fear that when God sees the real me... when He sees my sin, my mistakes, my brokenness... when He sees who I really am that He will reject me. I do not need to fear rejection, condemnation, or shame. For I have something so much better than rose colored glasses. Whenever God looks upon me He sees me through Christ. God will always look upon me with complete acceptance. Nothing I can ever do will change this powerful truth. God will always see me as He sees Christ. Holy, blameless, pure, righteous.

And this gives me a new appreciation and gratitude for Christmas. That God so rich in His love sent His only Son to a broken world as an innocent little baby. Jesus left the throne of heaven to come to this earth, to feel our pain and our suffering. To walk among us. To show us the ultimate sacrifice of love.

When it comes to my relationship with God, I have something so much better than rose colored glasses. I have His perfect and holy Son, Christ Jesus.

More than we could ask or imagine

“Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21

This past spring I felt God reminding me and challenging me with these verses. I felt Him speaking to my heart- my daughter I love how you are content and satisfied in Me. However don't give up hope for I know your heart and when I bring the right man into your life, I can do more than you could ever think or imagine. Trust me even though you can not see what I have in store. Remember the times in your life that You have seen me do this in your life “more than you could ever ask or imagine” and continue to have faith in My greatness.

“Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart... The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives." Psalm 37:4, 23 

This summer I turned 30 and went on the most amazing birthday trip to Prince Edward Island. God gave me the above verses during this trip. I had to first surrender what my original plans were for the trip I wanted to take. Yet as I waited and trusted in God, He blew me away through my trip to PEI. At the end of the trip, I was amazed at what I thought I had wanted in a trip but seeing how God knew better than I even did the desires of my heart. I was blown away by how God's hand of detail was seen throughout the entire trip and how He directed every step of it. And I felt God speaking once again to my heart. My beloved daughter, trust me. This trip is but a foreshadowing of what I have in store for you. Just as you laid down your ideas and expectations for this trip, I am asking you to lay down your ideas and expectations of what you are looking for in a relationship. I want you to trust me that I know the desires of your heart better than you do for I am the one who placed them in your heart. And just as You have seen my hand upon every detail of this trip, in the same way You will see my hand upon every detail of when I bring the right man into your life. I take delight in every detail of your life for you are my beloved daughter and oh how I love you.

God has a sense of humor. I never realized this growing up but I am now beginning to appreciate this about Him. This summer, I felt God leading me to go on eharmony (that is another side story) but for me this was a step of trusting Him. I literally told God- it's easier for me to have faith that You could bring someone in my life while I was on the mission field of Africa than to believe you could send someone into my life through online dating. Yes, I realize that this is opposite of most American girls mentalities but this is what I told God. And here is God's sense of humor. I met Stephen... who is originally from Africa and who is in ministry. I can just see God smiling now.

Stephen is a pastor of a small church outside of Boston. His adoptive family lives out in Washington State. There are many things I could tell you about him ...I love how he makes me laugh, how incredibly thoughtful he is, how we both share a love of people and worship music, how he is passionate about God, and I could go on and on.

However what I love the most is the fact that I am drawn closer to God through our relationship instead of being distracted from God. I am grateful that my identity is still firmly grounded as God's Beloved and I simply get to enjoy the additional blessing of being with Stephen. For me to be able to say and know that both of those statements are true in my heart is an incredible testimony of the healing God has done in my heart and life. God is so good.

God is already blowing me away through our relationship. Those who know me, know how I am a very emotional person. While I am incredibly happy, my emotions feel strangely intact. I truly feel like I am stepping back and watching God unfold something truly beautiful. That I get to simply rest in His love and watch Him unfold the story He has already written one day at a time.

For there is such a peace when I remember that my life is all about Him and for His glory.

"everything my heart could hope for"

Tonight I was feeling a little down when I was driving home from work. It was partly due to the fact that I was tired, it was already dark outside, and the cold weather. However, I also realized that underneath all of that was the feeling of disappointment. Disappointment from a sense of unmet expectation. With that disappointment came some feelings of hurt and confusion.

Thankfully my evening greatly improved as I made plans to go and visit my dear friend and finally meet her beautiful newborn baby. There is nothing better than having a warm baby snuggling on you, sleeping peacefully.

On my drive over there, God met me through this song. The lyrics so spoke to my heart.

“We are longing for the Glory of the Lord,
Cause we know there's so much more.

Let Your Glory fall down.
Cover us, oh, cover us!
Let your Glory rain down,
Cover us!

You are all I want, and You are all I need,
Everything my heart could hope for.
We are longing for the Glory of the Lord,
Cause we know there's so much more.

Only You, fill my soul.
You fill me up."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbcLzGb0DrE

I felt disappointed from unmet expectation yet God was calling my heart back to longing for Him.. Longing for His glory. To be covered with the glory of the Lord. To realize there is so much more. To truly know, proclaim, and trust that He is all I want. He is all I need. He alone is all my heart could hope for. What I was hoping for is so small in comparison to HIM. His glory, His love, His presence. Only He can fill my soul.

Lord God, I can listen to these lyrics a million times yet I pray that YOU would work in my heart. Lord, I pray that I will not simply know but believe and experience the truth that YOU are all I need. YOU are everything that my heart could ever hope for. You are what I am longing for. That You alone can fill my soul. Lord, I pray that You would rain down Your glory, cover me with Your glory, show me Your presence. Lord, create in me such a holy longing and passion for YOU alone. Fill me with an unquenchable desire for You. Lord, I pray that I would know in a very real an d practical way that You fill my soul- meet me throughout my day. Cover me with Your love. Fill me up. In the glorious name of Jesus, Amen

Living Water

God is so good. I love how personal and intimate He is, how He speaks to our hearts, and for His perfect timing. This was so evident to me this past week. Last Sunday at church, we looked at John 4 the story of the woman at the well. God really spoke to my heart through this story. Then later in the week, my friend and I watched the next Beth Moore video in our Bible study. The session was on John 4. The woman at the well. Wow...my heart felt so loved by God. That He had a specific message for me and that He cares about every detail of my life. My friend and I had planned to watch this video weeks ago but our plans were postponed. How good to know that God's plans and timing, in the big and small things in our life, is the best.

The full story is below. A Samaritan woman came to draw water at noontime and she had an encounter with Jesus. Why did she go at noon and not in the morning with all the other women? Because of her story, her past, and what others thought and said about her. For she had five different husbands and the man she was living with was not her husband. In that culture and in those days, there was shame associated with such a past. It was easier for her to go to the well at noon and avoid gossiping women who looked down at her with shame and condemnation.

Her encounter with Jesus is so radical and profound. For Jesus knew her story. Her full story. He looked upon her and knew her past, her every mistake, He saw her heart. She was fully exposed before Jesus, yet she did not leave His presence condemned and ashamed. No, she went back to town and said “come and see a man who told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Messiah?” This woman went from avoiding others because of her past to going out and saying this man told me everything I did.

What was the difference in her encounter with Jesus? When we come into the presence of Jesus we are fully exposed. He looks upon us and sees everything, all of our depravity and brokenness. There is nothing hidden in His sight. He sees our heart. Yet, there is such a radical love, acceptance, and security in His presence. That even after being confronted with the truth of our brokenness, we leave with such dignity. This woman should have left feeling even more ashamed, guilty, condemned. Yet instead she left the presence of Jesus with a sense of dignity, love, and acceptance. Before she wanted to hide her broken past, yet after her encounter with Jesus, she is free.

Our society and our human nature tells us to do the same. We want others to see a good picture of ourselves. We want to hide our brokenness. For it is not safe to share our brokenness, for with that comes judgment from others. How they view us may change. Yet the incredible thing about Jesus is that we are never more fully exposed yet never more fully loved and accepted. And His love and acceptance then gives us the freedom to share about our past. For our past and our brokenness is no longer about us, it is now God's story. His story of how He came into our lives and our hearts to bring freedom, love and acceptance. Our past and our story is now one to point others to God. To give God glory. Because of this woman's excitement to share “Come, see a man who told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Messiah?” many people came to Jesus and believed in Him.

What did Jesus offer this woman? Living Water. We all seek something or someone to satisfy us. Yet, nothing truly fills that void. We are left wanting more and more. For this woman it was men. For each of us, it may be something different. Yet, apart from Christ we are left wanting more and more. The excess we seek only reveals the emptiness of our soul. Which only leads to bondage and to disaster in our lives. The solution: Christ offered this woman and offers each of us Living Water. He offers us Himself- His Spirit. He offers us not just life, but life abundant.

“On the last and greatest day of the festival, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice “Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.” By this he meant the Spirit, whom those who believed in him were later to receive.” John 7:37-39

One last thought. Anything that I seek in excess ultimately is not good for me. Even good things in excess become an idol as they become more important in my life than my relationship with God. Yet, Jesus is the one thing- the one person- that I can seek in excess. I can long for more of Him. I can pursue more of Him. I can always go deeper into His love. There is always more to discover of who He is. Desperation can be a very good thing when I am desperate for God.

“but if from thence you shall seek the Lord your God, you shall find Him, if you seek Him with all of your heart and soul.” Deut. 4:29

I love the song “The More I Seek You” by Kari Jobe as it's a beautiful picture of this truth.

The more I seek you,

The more I find you,

The more I find you,
the more I love you

I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath,
hear your heart beat

This love is so deep,
it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NI_1YliutzA

John 4:4-42

Now he had to go through Samaria. So he came to a town in Samaria called Sychar, near the plot of ground Jacob had given to his son Joseph. Jacob’s well was there, and Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down by the well. It was about noon.

When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, “Will you give me a drink?” (His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.)

The Samaritan woman said to him, “You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?” (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans.)

Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.”

“Sir,” the woman said, “you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his livestock?”

Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.”

He told her, “Go, call your husband and come back.”

“I have no husband,” she replied.

Jesus said to her, “You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.”

“Sir,” the woman said, “I can see that you are a prophet. Our ancestors worshiped on this mountain, but you Jews claim that the place where we must worship is in Jerusalem.”

“Woman,” Jesus replied, “believe me, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. You Samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know, for salvation is from the Jews. Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.”

The woman said, “I know that Messiah” (called Christ) “is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us.”

Then Jesus declared, “I, the one speaking to you—I am he.”

Just then his disciples returned and were surprised to find him talking with a woman. But no one asked, “What do you want?” or “Why are you talking with her?”

Then, leaving her water jar, the woman went back to the town and said to the people, “Come, see a man who told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Messiah?” They came out of the town and made their way toward him.

Meanwhile his disciples urged him, “Rabbi, eat something.”

But he said to them, “I have food to eat that you know nothing about.”

Then his disciples said to each other, “Could someone have brought him food?”

“My food,” said Jesus, “is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work. Don’t you have a saying, ‘It’s still four months until harvest’? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest. Even now the one who reaps draws a wage and harvests a crop for eternal life, so that the sower and the reaper may be glad together. Thus the saying ‘One sows and another reaps’ is true. I sent you to reap what you have not worked for. Others have done the hard work, and you have reaped the benefits of their labor.”

Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman’s testimony, “He told me everything I ever did.” So when the Samaritans came to him, they urged him to stay with them, and he stayed two days. And because of his words many more became believers.

They said to the woman, “We no longer believe just because of what you said; now we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this man really is the Savior of the world.”

Why I write...

“Give thanks to the LORD and proclaim His greatness. Let the whole world know what He has done. Sing to Him, yes, sing His praises. Tell everyone about His wonderful deeds. Exult in His holy name; rejoice, you who worship the LORD. Search for the LORD and His strength; continually seek Him. Remember the wonders He has performed, His miracles, and the rulings He has given” Psalm 105:1-5

Why do I blog? I was thinking about this the other day. It's actually a very simple reason. I felt God leading me to start a blog. So I did. When I write, I'm simply expressing what He has put on my heart. I trust that He will use my blog in whatever way He wants. I pray it's for His glory.

Tonight I was reading the above Psalm. I have felt very up and down in my emotions lately. One moment struggling with old insecurities, the next moment full of joy because of the beauty of Fall. In one of my down moments tonight I finally turned to God's word. Why do I so often turn to anything and everything else first? Yet, tonight I did finally just open up the Bible and I started reading a random Psalm...any psalm would do- I just needed to get some truth into my heart and mind...when I came to the above Psalm. These verses sum up why I write.

“Give thanks to the LORD and proclaim His greatness. Let the whole world know what He has done... Tell everyone about His wonderful deeds. Exult in His holy name.”

Often I write simply because my heart is bursting with praise! I want to share who my God is and all that He has done in my heart and life. I desire to proclaim how great He is to everyone and anyone! I am in awe of His greatness and all I can do is offer praise to His holy name.

Search for the LORD and His strength; continually seek Him.

Other times it is because I am seeking Him. I feel weak, I feel broken, I feel powerless. I so desperately need His strength. I get distracted and I seek so many other things. I am discontented and unsatisfied. Yet God continues to draw me back to His loving presence. When I write it helps me to process what He is doing in my heart and it helps me to actively seek and search for Him.

Remember the wonders He has performed, His miracles, and the rulings He has given.

I am so forgetful. I am emotional. I can feel God's love at one moment and feel far away from His Presence in the next moment. I so easily act in response to my feelings instead of truth. Yet God calls me to remember. To remember the WONDERS He has done. To remember His MIRACLES. To remember the rulings He has given. I write to record His wonders and miracles. There are many times when I will re-read a journal entry or re-read an old blog and I am so encouraged. God will remind me of the wonders and miracles He has done in my life. I may not feel His greatness at that moment but when I re-read of His wonders my heart is encouraged. My eyes are directed off from myself and back onto the greatness of God. He is so faithful and I have seen Him work in so many ways in my life. Great and small. I simply need reminders. I need the encouragement.

So I am grateful. I am grateful the He has led me to write. For no other reason than the fact that I am encouraged in the process. For He is good. All the time.

recent ponderings

Lately I have been pondering... maybe... just maybe... I am harder on myself than I need to be... maybe... just maybe... I am harder on myself than others ever are. While this is not exactly a new realization, I have reminded of this fact in several different way recently.

Yesterday, I got my hair trimmed. When my roommate commented that she liked my haircut, my response was on how badly my hair has looked the last couple of weeks. Her gracious response was that my hair has looked great. Hmmm... maybe I'm just a tad more critical of myself than others ever are.

Last week, my Assistant Principal did an unexpected walk-through (observation) in my classroom. She talked with my students while they were at their math centers and then observed part of my guided math small group. After she left, I wasn't sure what to think. Were my kids on task like they were suppose to be? Were they able to explain what they were doing? How was the closure of my math lesson? My initial response of my teaching and classroom was to pick out any negative points. What wasn't perfect? However, the feedback that I received later was all very positive. Hmm... maybe... I am harder on myself than I need to be.

The other day, one of my little girls said “Ms. Wagner you're so tall and skinny!” I was not feeling too skinny at the moment.. Let's just say all the stress at work makes me much more prone to chocolate. Yet, I instead smiled and gave her a hug for her honest and random comment. Hmm... maybe I don't always have an accurate view of myself... in many different ways....

Then I started to think about my relationship with God. Maybe... just maybe... I am harder on myself than I ever need to be. Do I start to think about God in this same way? That He is keeping track of all my sins, mistakes, and failures. Oh look, once again I have made the same mistake.

Yet God reminded me of these wonderful promises...

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. I John 1:9

“as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” Psalm 103:12

God, my Abba Father, does not look upon me with condemnation. No, instead He is a loving Father. As soon as I say I'm sorry, my sin is not only forgiven but also instantly forgotten. He keeps no record. My sins are as far as the east is from the west.

While the truth is that I am broken, I am needy, and I am very far from perfect... the beauty of the gospel is all my sin has been washed away by the blood of Jesus. He has paid for my every sin and mistake. The truth is while I am still broken, needy, and far from perfect; God now sees me as His beloved daughter who is whole, complete, and perfect. He freely gives me His unconditional love and acceptance. Just as I am. Love and acceptance. I do not have to earn in any way. Maybe... just maybe... I will start to view myself through His eyes...

“For Your loving-kindness is before my eyes, and I have walked in Your truth.” Psalm 26:3 

the beauty of trees

I love trees. Yesterday as I was driving and enjoying the beauty of the fall leaves, I started to think about how grateful I am for trees. I absolutely love trees. I love the bright green of the leaves on the trees in the spring. How that bright green color represents newness and life. After a long winter, spring has finally come. I love the trees now just as they are starting to change colors. The colors of Autumn- beautiful shades of yellow, orange, and red. I love the how beautiful trees are on a dreary rainy day. The green leaves are vibrant in the contrast of the clouds. The beautiful wet dark bark of the trees. I love trees in the winter. How the snow or ice will outline each intricate detail of the different little branches. Stunning. I love tree tunnels. I love running or biking through tree tunnels. The sunlight shining through the leaves overhead. Such incredible beauty. (The picture above was a tree tunnel that I biked through this summer in upstate NY)

Yesterday I ran 10 beautiful miles at a nearby park. This run was such a gift from God. A friend just happened to mention this park earlier in the day. It was my first time running there and I absolutely loved it. It was the most challenging trail run I've done with the level and steepness of hills but even that I loved. I ran on a quiet path through the woods, up and down steep hills, trees all around me. The blue skies and sunshine bursting through the green leaves overhead. The feel of fall, the cool chilly air felt amazing, as I ran. The sound of fall as the leaves crunched behind my feet. The smell of fall with the fallen leaves. The sights of fall with the leaves just starting to change colors...

This morning God reminded me of how I also love the references of trees in the scripture.

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:16-19

I often run past past a brook near my house. During a recent storm a huge tree was completely uprooted. It a reminder that even a huge tall tree will fall during a storms if it's roots are not deep. I desire instead to be like a tree that is firmly rooted in God's love. That no matter what storms or challenges I face, I will not become uprooted from God's love. That through each storm and trial, I will reminded firmly rooted and established in the width, length, height and depth of His great love for me. A love that surpasses all knowledge. My leaves and branches may sway in the fierceness of a storm yet my roots will remain grounded in His love. I pray that He allows my roots to grow deeper and deeper in His love. That I will know and experience in the depth of my heart His glorious love. I pray that my Abba Father will give me the power to grasp His love so that I may be filled to the measure of the fullness of God.

Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither—whatever they do prospers. Psalm 1:1-3

Lord, may I be like a tree planted by steams of water. May I yield much fruit for You. That whatever I do in Your name may prosper. May my delight be in Your Word. May I meditate day and night upon Your Truth. May I hide Your Word in my heart and so treasure Your Truth. I desire to be like that beautiful tree planted by streams of water that flourishes and yields much fruit.

I love Your Presence

Tonight as I arrived home, this song was playing on my ipod. And as I sat in my car outside my house listening to this worship song... "I love, I love, I love Your Presence" my heart was so full of love and thankfulness for the sweetness of God's Presence.

It is a season of transition. For over three years, I have been incredibly blessed by being part of a very special small group. A group of dear friends, five of us, that God brought together as a small group. On Friday nights we would meet and share dinner together. Then we would transition into my friend's living room and there we would share our hearts. We opened up and were vulnerable with one another. We shared what God was doing in our hearts and lives. There we would dive into God's word together and share sweet times of prayer. We have walked each other through some extremely difficult seasons. We have lived out what it means to speak truth in love, perverse in love and truly spur one another on in Christ. These dear friends have seen me at my absolute lowest point and they have loved me. Oh, how we have seen God at work. Oh, the stories we have of changed lives, changed hearts and incredible answers to prayers. How He has used each of us to allow us to know more of Him. There is so much to celebrate of what GOD has done through this special group.

For God is the One who brought us together. And now that season has come to an end. And I sat in my car just soaking in the lyrics of this song... “I love, I love, I love Your Presence”.

Oh Lord, how I love Your Presence.

I realized how drastically different my response is with this season coming to an end. In the past, when seasons have changed or come to an end with relationships, I have been left feeling hurt and mourning the loss of the intimacy I once experienced. For I had opened my heart up and I found myself vulnerable. I found myself clinging to relationships and I have found out through intense pain of what it's like for God to remove this idol from my heart and life. For I did not experience the depth and beauty of meaningful friendships for much of my life. I left high school with many deep wounds and hurts. Feeling the void of community, love and acceptance. When I finally found what my heart longed for, love and acceptance, I wanted to cling to this. Yet truly, no one can fulfill us. No one can satisfy our hearts. Our desire for love and intimacy. Our desire to be known and accepted. Not the best of friend, not the perfect husband, no earthly relationship. No one except for the Lord our Maker. Our Abba Father. Our Beloved.

It has been a long, difficult but rewarding journey of truly discovering the beauty of His Presence. For in His Presence there has been healing for my heart. In His Presence there has been such joy, such freedom, and oh such satisfaction. In His Presence, there has been a freedom to love and enjoy others free of any expectation. For my soul has found it's rest in the Lord.

As these words washed over my heart “I love, I love, I love Your Presence” my heart was bursting with such sweet gratitude. For my Abba Father has walked with me through each season of my life. Whether I have acknowledged Him or not, He has been there. He has been there, through every up and down. Through each struggle and victory. Through the mundane and the everyday. He has seen and understood each challenge I have faced and He has been the One who has brought me through the impossible. He alone understands my heart and my soul. And He alone satisfies me.

One of my love languages is quality time and oh how I love the memories I have with my Beloved King. There are so many memories over the years. So many stories I could share. Of sweet times in His Presence. Such sweet times. Memories of experiencing and feeling His love. Of His strength when I have been weak. Of His courage when I have been scared. Of His peace when I have chosen to trust. Of His provision when I have waited and prayed.

And oh how I love His word and how He speaks to me. Of how I can flip through my Bible and see verses underlined and dates written in the margins. How He has used different scripture in such powerful ways at different points in my life. To comfort, to convict, to strength, to give hope, to transform, to bring life, to give direction, to show me His heart for me.

“I love, I love, I love Your Presence”

Lord God, oh how I love Your Presence. Thank you dear Lord for the sweetness and intimacy of Your Presence. Thank you Lord that there is always more. More of You. More of Your love. Oh Lord, I have only scratched the surface of the beauty of Your Presence and the depth of Your love. Thank you Lord for how You have brought such satisfaction to my soul. Thank you that during this season of change, I am secure in Your love. Lord God, strip away distractions from my life. Lord God, burn within me such a strong unquenchable thirst and desire for Your Presence. I confess how easy it is for me to look elsewhere for satisfaction. Oh Lord, take me deeper into Your love and into the beauty of Your Presence. More of You I pray! In the beautiful and precious name of Jesus, Amen

"Because Your love is better than life,
    my lips will glorify You.
 I will praise You as long as I live,
    and in Your name I will lift up my hands.
I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods;
    with singing lips my mouth will praise You."

Psalm 63:3-5

I love Your Presence by Jenn Johnson

"In the glory of Your Presence

I find rest for my soul

In the depths of Your love

I find peace that makes me whole

I love, I love, I love Your Presence

I love, I love, I love Your Presence

I love, I love, I love You Jesus

I love, I love, I love Your Presence"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkWa6dKKsB8

I'm grateful

This is an unique school year. After teaching first grade for seven years, this year I am teaching second grade. Yes, I finally moved up.

I am absolutely loving this change. I love second grade. I love the newness of a new grade, a new classroom, a new class. It was a must needed change. However along with this change has come some very long hours at work.

Tonight I came home exhausted after working 12 hours. And this was not my first long evening at work. I know that many people work long hours but that is not the norm for me. My Friday night was spent in my classroom and I was simply exhausted as I drove home. I have a headache, I am tired, and my eyes hurt. Yet, more than that I am grateful.

In spite of the long day, I am full of gratitude.

I am grateful for my classroom. I love the bright colors. I love how welcoming it feels. I love how organized it is and how everything fits so perfectly. I love how my kids are still at the age where a “clean desk fairy” is something magical. Every Friday afternoon they are excited to leave their desks clean in expectation that the desk fairy will visit and leave them a piece of candy. I love it.

I am grateful for the small things that God knows so speak to my heart. For the fact that my classroom this year is on the other side of the hallway. I am so grateful that when I work late I see the sun setting and enjoy it's beauty from my classroom window. I am grateful for the fact that you tube is no longer blocked at school and I can listen to worship music in the quietness of the evening. I am grateful for music that draws my heart to Christ and my eyes back on Him.

I am grateful for a great team to work with. That I am not struggling alone to figure out what I am teaching each week. I am grateful for the teammate who brought in cupcakes this morning just because it was Friday. I am grateful for the teammate who loves pinterest and shares all the great teaching ideas she finds from there. I am grateful for my two teammates that I see each morning as I stand at my door to greet my little second graders.

Most of all, I am grateful for my students. I am grateful that each one has been selected by God to be in my classroom. I am grateful for the opportunity to teach them and love them. I am grateful I am getting to know each of their personalities and how uniquely they are made. I am grateful for my student who cried every day for the first two months of first grade and barely spoke all year. I am grateful that he now comes up and talks to me all the time throughout the day. I love to see how he now has friends in our class and I love to see his shy smile.

I am grateful for my student who drove me crazy the first week of school because she could not sit still or complete any of her work. I am grateful for the perspective of her first grade teacher and to now see her energy, her love, and her desire to please. She is such the little athlete. I love watching her run at recess as she has this amazing strong stride. I love making her feel special because she is the fastest second grade runner.

I love the fact that I have four students whose siblings were in my class in first grade. I loved showing them their sibling's first grade pictures in my old yearbooks. I am grateful for the little girl who her first grade teacher called a little love bug.

I am grateful for the fifth grade girl who came back to visit me with her mother before school began. I had to look her up in the yearbook to remember her. Then I realized why I couldn't remember her. She came in half-way through that first grade year. She was very quiet and the significant behavior challenges that I had that year overshadowed her. She moved away after first grade but just moved back for fifth grade. I am grateful that this girl that I did not even remember, remembered me. That I somehow made a difference in her life that year despite the craziness of that year. I am grateful that I get to see her this year, give her a hug and made her feel special.

I am grateful for the lessons God is teaching me. I am grateful for Tuesday when I felt completely stressed and overwhelmed by all the lesson plans, paperwork, grading, and so much more. I am grateful for how at the end of the day God brought my perspective back onto Him. I am grateful for IJM prayer group that night and how the song my friend played was about how Christ is all I need. I am grateful for kneeling on the floor, face down, desperate for God. I am grateful for how much I have needed God each day this week at work and throughout my day.

I am grateful for yesterday when I was tired and not feeling well. For when my well planned lessons that day felt mediocre. For when I found myself feeling frustrated and impatient with my kids at the end of the day. I am grateful that when I drove home, I could rest in the assurance that God loved me and delighted in me simply because I am His daughter. I am grateful that very morning I had been in awe of reading about Christ's baptism. How God the Father looked down upon Christ and said this is my dearly loved Son, who brings me great joy. Oh the glorious truth that I am in Christ. That God looks upon me and says this is my dearly loved daughter, who brings me great joy. He is well pleased with me. And that does not change whether I had the absolute best or worst day of teaching. I also am also grateful for my students who love me in my best and worst moments.

I am grateful for the joy and perspective God has graciously given me. How despite the stress that is there, despite the long hours, despite the tiredness that when I look upon God He is all I need. I am grateful to be able to take one day at a time and for the opportunity He has given me at my school. I long to bring Him glory. I long to know more of His love and be filled by Him so I can pour more out to those around me. I am grateful for His promises in John 15.

.

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing...If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.”

Thank you Abba Father for Your abundant love and goodness. Thank you for how You can change our perspective, for how You are all we need, for the joy and strength that comes only from You. May our hearts be filled with gratitude. Thank you for your love and acceptance just as we are. For the days when we are far from gratitude. Thank you for your love that changes our hearts and our lives. I am so grateful for You, Abba Father, and that I am Your beloved daughter. 

Let faith arise

Let faith arise. These song lyrics have so much meaning to me. 

It began with a day of old familiar struggles. Nothing felt different. I had in a sense fallen in the same way once again. Yet there was a difference. This time I choose to respond differently. I did not choose to dwell in condemnation. There was no need for God had covered me with His grace and forgiveness. I did not choose to analyze or dwell on my actions. There was no need as that would not change anything.

No, this time my response was different. God challenged me to go deeper. For I realized that under all of this was the subtle but very strong feeling that things would never change. This struggle would always be a part of my life. It had been a habit/ sin pattern for as long as I could remember and I didn't seem to be making much progress forward. Change was impossible.

Yet, instead of dwelling on my actions and struggles from that day, I went out for a bike ride. It was a beautiful summer evening. The sky was magnificent. The air felt a little less humid. And a certain song that I had heard earlier that day came into my heart and mind. "Let faith arise... open my eyes... let faith arise"

I realized that I had a choice to make. I could believe those strong feelings that I would never have victory in this area. That change is impossible. Or I could choose to have FAITH in who my GOD is. Let faith arise. There is nothing impossible for my God. Let faith arise. The God who can move mountains can change my heart and my life. It does not matter how many times I have stumbled or fallen, I will choose to have faith in my God. Let faith arise.

When I hear this song I will forever remember this certain hill that I was flying down as the sun was starting to set and this song was bursting in my heart. Let FAITH arise.

Tonight, I met with my good friend and mentor. We have been meeting for the past year. A God ordained and blessed relationship that simply came about. It never officially started as a mentorship and she would be quick to tell you that she is blessed by our time together. Yet during this past year, I have sat on her couch and I have shared my struggles. I have shared my heart. I have laughed, I have cried, I have been angry, I have been hopeful, I have simply shown up. Just as I am.

And I have been loved. I have been listened to. I have been affirmed. I have been encouraged. I have had someone who has been angry on my behalf and joyful on my behalf. I have been blessed. 

And after that day which was filled with struggle and faith, I sat on her couch and once again simply shared my heart. Through our conversation, God reminded me and showed me how He has been using this struggle in my life. For He has been showing me His grace. The gospel and His grace. Because the gospel is all about His grace. My friend made a comment that stuck with me "I don't know why God has you in the midst of this struggle as I know He could remove it completely from your life if He choose." 

Later I asked myself, do I truly believe that God has the power to change my heart and my life? It can be much easier for me to have great faith on behalf of others but I can find it difficult when it comes to myself as I know my familiar struggles.

Let faith arise. 

God's timing is perfect. A few days later He spoke to my heart in such a powerful way through a bible study lesson. I was broken and on my knees face down before God. Truly broken and ready for change. Crying out to Him to change the desires of my heart. To desire Him more than this struggle. To have faith in Him that He will give me freedom and victory. It was such a powerful time in the Presence of my God. Another dear friend was with me and prayed over me. All I can say is that God did a profound work in my heart that night.

Let faith arise.

Tonight, three weeks later, I sat on the same couch at my friend's house. This time I am sharing how God has completely changed the desires of my heart. Something I have struggled with for so long and is now completely gone. Three weeks ago the desire was so vivid and the struggle so strong. Strangely it's no longer there. In the past three weeks I have gone through a lot and all the same triggers have been there. Yet, God has absolutely removed that desire from my heart and has completely freed me from this struggle. It is gone. Praise His holy name.

Let faith arise.

I did not fully realize the impact of what I was sharing until I saw my friend's reaction. And saw her eyes of wonder. For she saw this struggle in my life. She saw firsthand the brokenness, the tears, and the pain. She walked with me through this journey. And tonight her reaction was one of awe and simply praise to our God. What a God we serve. How deeply He loves us. And truly nothing we struggle or face is impossible for Him.

Let FAITH arise.




"I Lift My Hands" by Chris Tomlin

Be still, there is a healer
His love is deeper than the sea
His mercy, it is unfailing
His arms are a fortress for the weak

Let faith arise
Let faith arise

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
As I pour out my heart, these things I remember
You are faithful, God, forever

Be still, there is a river
That flows from Calvary's tree
A fountain for the thirsty
Pure grace that washes over me

So let faith arise
Let faith arise
Open my eyes
Open my eyes

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
As I pour out my heart, these things I remember
You are faithful, God
You are faithful, God, forever

You don't know my story... freedom, deliverance, and such love

I love gospel music. I think it's because so much gospel music is about freedom and deliverance and I can relate to these theme. Below is my current favorite gospel. I absolutely love this song. I love the lyrics. I love the emotion behind it. I love how it's my testimony. I feel like words do not fully describe all that I feel when I listen to this song....

"You don't know my story... you don't know the strongholds that severed me... you don't know the day you set me free...in all God has been faithful to me...deliverance is my testimony...my story proves God can use me...you don't know my story the anguish and guilt that consumed me...grateful I can tell you for no more shall the shackles condemn me...you don't know my story for if you did you would lift up your hands...through my testimony and the blood of the Lamb delivered I am, now I have a testimony... grace and mercy, love and peace abound...life and favor upon me, he brought me out, God of mercy, he who loves me... oh how wondrous is my story"

When I listen to this song I am filled with such emotion as God reminds me of all that HE has done is my heart and life. How He has brought deliverance from very real struggles and strongholds. Deliverance and freedom from an eating disorder, deliverance and freedom from such deep insecurity, deliverance and freedom from emotional dependency. God has brought such healing into my life as He has shown me HIS love and acceptance. His truth has transformed my heart and life. I belong to Him. He has done more in my heart and life than I ever could have even begun to imagine. Thank you Jesus.

This is one reason I love sharing my stories of running and cycling. How I signed up for a 10 mile race which seemed impossible as I had never ran more than a few miles. 10 months later I ran my first marathon. How I had never learned to ride a bike. I took a class one day and months later I'm rode my first metric century. This was just a couple years ago. Pretty dramatic stories in both running and cycling.

I love these stories because it is such a picture of the dramatic transformation He has done in my heart and life. How He brought me out of such deep insecurity and self-hatred to the confidence I now have of my identity in Christ. Loved, secure, worthy, beautiful, significant. My God loves me, delights in me, and is proud of me. There is no greater significance than that. How He brought me out of the deep bonds of an eating disorder and brought healing, deliverance, and restoration in my heart and life. How He brought me out of deep condemnation and guilt and showed me His grace, mercy, and more grace. How He brought me out of the deep bonds of emotional dependency and brought healing into my heart. And showed me such deep satisfaction in Him alone. The outward struggles that He has delivered me from are all a result of the healing He has brought into my heart through His truth and love. His truth brings true freedom. His perfect love heals and restores.

Is my life perfect or free from struggles? Far from it. Yet God continues to show me grace and more grace in the journey. And He is teaching me to show myself grace when struggles still arise. 

Yet, why do I share all of this? Because when I listen to this song such emotion wells up inside of me. I can not help but give PRAISE, honor, and glory to GOD. My story is all about HIM. How HE is able to heal, restore, and redeem for HIS honor and glory. How He desires to bring greater freedom into each of our lives so we may know more of Him. More of His love and His presence. So we will have a testimony to share for His glory. 

Below are the full lyrics and a link to the song. And a picture that I love as it captures all of this...

This picture was taken the evening before my 30th birthday in Prince Edward Island, Canada. Overwhelmed and grateful for all He had done in my heart and life during the past 10 years. freedom, deliverance, and such love.

Life and Favor (You don't know my story) (LINK to song)

John P. Kee - Life And Favor (You Don'T Know My Story)

Some people have seen where God has brought you from.
They don't really understand it.
They don't know your story.

Chorus
You don’t know my story
You don’t know the things that I’ve come through
You cannot imagine
The pain, the trials I’ve had to endure
You don’t know my story
You don’t know the day you set me free
You cannot imagine
The strongholds and the walls that severed me
In all God has been faithful to me
He promised he would never leave me
My story proves that God can use me
Deliverance is my testimony
You don’t know…my story
It would blow your mind
You don’t know…my story

Say it LaJune

Verse
You don’t know my story
The anguish and the guilt that consumed me
Grateful I can tell it
For no more shall the shackles condemn me
You don’t know my story
For if you did you would lift up your hands
So just let me tell you and faith you may as well break out and dance

In all God has been faithful to me
He promised he would never leave me
My story proves that God can use me
And deliverance is my testimony
You don’t know…my story
It would blow your mind
You don’t know…my story

Bridge
Through my testimony and the blood of the Lamb
Delivered I am, now I have a testimony…Favor’s upon me
Grace and mercy, love and peace abound
Oh in you I’ve found a God that will not ever leave me
He won’t forsake me
You don’t know…my story

Vamp
I’m delivered, here’s my story
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
You don’t know it, let me tell it
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
God of mercy, he who loves me
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Oh, how wondrous is my story
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Can’t imagine, what I’ve gone through
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Can’t imagine, what I’ve gone through
Can’t imagine

(Eb)
I’m delivered, here’s my story
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
You don’t know it, let me tell it
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
God of mercy, he who loves me
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Oh how wondrous is my story
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Can’t imagine, what I’ve gone through
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out

I’m delivered, here’s my story
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Can’t imagine, what I’ve gone through
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
God of mercy, he who loves me
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out
Oh how wondrous is my story
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out

Can’t imagine, what I’ve gone through
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out

Life and favor upon me (repeat)